Some days, when I wake up, it feels like things are whole again. It feels like I am getting ready for work and by 6:00am I will be going upstairs to make sure Cole is awake for school. Then suddenly, it hits me, and I feel isolated and afraid. While I’m at work, it feels like I’m waiting for him to get home from school and text me a picture of him with Harley (his Rott). Then I realize I’ve gone through the day and haven’t received his text. I come home from work, feeling like I’m going to walk in and find him asleep on the couch, but I don’t find him laying there. At night, it feels like I am waiting up for him to get off of work to make sure he closes the garage door, and then I realize he’s not coming home. It’s during these times, that I feel so alone. I feel a heaviness in my chest, it becomes hard to breathe, sometimes I panic, and I cry.
Some days, I honestly go through the day as if things were back to how they used to be. As if Cole is here. I talk about him like he’s here. I like to pretend that he’s still here. I just want him to be here. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his “Mama!” and his “I’m running to McDonalds”…..I just miss him. I miss him terribly, beyond what words can describe. Beyond what the human soul can imagine. I just want to hear his voice one more time. Feel his hug, one more time. I have so much left to say. I just want one more time.
It’s during these times that I have to allow God to fill my heart with His spirit. I have to hold on, and I have to remember; that God does give you more than you can handle. Because honestly, if we could handle everything in life, would we ever seek God? It’s during these times that I must seek God; I have to reach for Him, and allow Him in my heart…in my life, holistically. This is the time that I need God the most. I have to take His hand, every morning, to help me rise, to help me function….to help me survive. Because it is with God, that I can do this. On those days that I feel like I just can’t do this, like I cannot survive life without half of my heart, that I have to dig down deep and remember, that with God, all things are possible. I have the most loving family, an amazing older son, and those who depend on me. I can do this….
I love you Cole, forever and always…..until I can hold you again.