When the storm is so forceful, so violent and so overwhelming….how do we make it? How do we function when it takes everything we have just to stand? How do we go to work, care for our family, acknowledge our friends…take care of ourselves, when nothing seems to matter? How do we find the energy to smile when it hurts just to blink?
Almost a year ago, I didn’t think I could even muster the strength to stand, speak, or function. I didn’t want to talk, think or be alive. I just wanted to be with my son. I wasn’t ready to give him back to God. I wasn’t ready to never hear his voice again, feel his hugs again, or see his smile again. I wasn’t ready. Oh how I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from the nightmare…actually, I still do. Some days it feels like yesterday that I heard him call out “Ma’ma” or “What’s for eats?”. It seems like yesterday that I heard the sound of his engine roar as he pulled his muddy truck on the driveway. It seems like yesterday that he texted me a picture of what he cooked us for dinner, or that I came home from work to find him sleeping on the couch while he left his dog out to make a mess.
I miss all of that so much. So much that my heart physically hurts; sometimes the pain is so intense it’s hard to fill my lungs with air. My body hurts, my mind hurts…I hurt. Most days I go through my routine as if he’s here, as if he will be pulling up in the driveway any minute. Call it wishful thinking, but it gets me through the day. It’s when I stop and think, “he’s never coming home Gina. He’s gone. He’s in heaven now. You won’t hear his voice, receive his texts or feel his hugs.” that reality is too overwhelming. I can’t think about it, because the pain can be excruciating.
It’s during these times, when the skies are dark from the storm, that I hold onto Jesus. God is never closer to His children than when they are suffering. God is with you if you let Him in. Invite Him into your heart; allow God’s glory to live within you.
God is with me, every single day. I trust that, I trust in God. I trust Him that His plan is great, and although I may not understand why He needed Cole when He did, God is great. God chose Cole because He needed him. When I think about the days gone by without my son, I think of those same days getting me closer to seeing him again. By God’s grace, I will see my son again. I choose to focus on that. I choose to live my life to make Cole proud. I choose to live my life to honor God and His glory. I choose this, because I will get to see Cole again, and when I do, it will be the best day of my life, and last for an eternity.
I love you Cole, forever and always. You are loved and missed beyond measure.
Love
Ma’ma