What Grief is to Me

Grief – noun– deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. So what does grief look like after you lose someone you love, someone you never imagined your life without, someone who took half of your heart with them when they left? To me, it looks like a pile of colored glass, broken into thousands of pieces. The glass was once a beautiful picture; a picture of life, of happiness and joy. Now, this pile lays shattered and broken. Each piece still owns a bit of beauty, but not the beauty that it once held when it was whole.

To me, grief is sorrow, it’s anger, it’s confusion and it’s anguish. Grief is fear, it’s loneliness and it’s depression. It’s overwhelming, it’s heartbreaking and it’s gut wrenching. It hurts. It causes forgetfulness, numbness and pain. As I grieve, I cry, I get nauseous, I become exhausted.  I feel all of this, at once. When I am asked, “How are you?” and I answer “fine”, or “good”, I’m lying. What I want to say is, “I’m overwhelmed with sadness, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m numb, and I hurt.” But I don’t. I just respond, “I’m good.” Sometimes I find myself smiling, and even laughing…and then I think, “why am I laughing? Why am I acting like I’m having fun? How can I be happy, or have fun when Cole is not here to enjoy it with me?” I feel as if, it’s not right. I shouldn’t be happy, I shouldn’t find joy.

The morning of my first day back at work, I found myself 5 steps up the staircase, on my way up to Cole’s room, to wake him up for school. I froze on the 5th step, realizing I was walking up to an empty room. A week later, as I’m getting my things ready for work, I heard a voice, Cole’s voice, yell “Mom” from his room upstairs. I quickly answered, “Yeah?”, and then I froze. I just stood there, staring up at his room. I heard him yell, I heard his voice, and then I thought, “am I losing my mind?”

I realize this is a journey. A journey that I must go through, I have to face, and I will survive. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions.  Every day is different. Every day I’m sad, I am heartbroken, and I miss my son. But every day I smile and I remember. I am not losing my mind, I am not losing my sanity. I am heartbroken, I am scared, and I am grieving. This is a normal part of the process.

I know there are stages, and I hope to blog as I go through my stages so that I can share how I feel, what I do, and where I am along my journey. I want to share so that someone out there who feels the same way, who is on this same journey…will know, that they are not alone.