Some Days.

It’s been 14 weeks and 5 days….3 1/2 months. Where am I now? Some days, I’m exactly where I was on October 21, 2014. I come home, and I wait for Cole to come home. I wait to hear him yell “What’s for eats mom? I’m starving!”. I wait to hear his truck pull up. I wait to hear him come home from work each night. I listen for his laugh, I look for his smile, I long for his hugs. I’m just waiting.

Some days, I’m exactly where I was on October 27, 2014. In shock, denial, refusing to accept what happened. I don’t want to accept it, I won’t accept it. It can’t be. My life can’t go on without both of my boys here. Why is the world still going? Why are people back to “normal”? Cole was half of the reason I was even living. Half of my heart is missing. Half of my heart is gone. Does anyone realize the loss that we have suffered? Does the world even realize who was taken on that day?

Some days, it feels like yesterday. Other days, it feels like it’s been a year. I hate both. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, a true broken heart can never be healed. The pain? It’s always there. Sometimes it feels worse. Some days, as time goes on, it feels like my heart is slowly deteriorating.

But most days, I’m at peace with God. I pray to Him, I beg of Him, and I thank Him. I pray that He takes my hand for another day, that He walks along side me for another day, and that He carries me when I fall, for another day. I pray that God fills my heart with His spirit. I accept Jesus as my savior and I have faith in our eternal life. You know what?  God carries me. God takes my hand, and God walks along side me each day. How do I know this? Because I’m still here. I’m living, I’m breathing, and I am surviving. I will survive this, I will fight this, because I believe; I believe in faith, and I believe in Hope. I will fight through this, because I can’t give up, in honor of my son, I won’t give up. I’m here, and each day I will live my life as my 17 year old son taught me to live; without fear, and to the fullest, making a difference along the way. I love you forever Cole, and some day, we will celebrate with you in heaven.

Gina Buehner

Cole’s mom forever.