I hadn’t attended a church since Cole was little, maybe 4 years old. It had been 9 years after losing Cole that I couldn’t stifle the tugging at my heart to walk into a church, and pray. I didn’t know where to go but I felt that I needed to go to a church where no one would know my name, no one would recognize me, and frankly I was hoping that no one would talk to me. I just wanted to be in a church, although full of people, alone. I tried a church near my home and sat near the back on an end seat in case I felt the urge to leave. I had a pit in my stomach the entire time, not neccesarily a bad feeling, but an odd feeling – a nervous feeling. I didn’t get that “oh yeah, I feel like I belong here” feeling, but I was still willing to give it a shot. When the service was over, I heard someone call my name. As I turned around to look, I saw a co-worker with a huge smile on his face. We talked for a few minutes as he introduced me to his family, and although he was welcoming, I didn’t feel this church would be the one for me. So I never went back. I wasn’t sure if I was just telling myself “this isn’t the one for me” because it was true or if I just said that because I was too nervous, or didn’t feel “good” enough to be in a church. I guess I just wasn’t ready.
About six months later, I attended an Easter service at a church where I knew that a lot of people I worked with, went to school with or were friends with in the past, attended. I didn’t let that stop me though because my family had also started attending this church so I was willing to give it a shot. As soon as I walked in, I could feel the love for Jesus from all those around me. The asthetics of the interior, the details in the decor and set up, the creativeness of the children’s ministry….all of it, said “Welcome, we’re glad you’re here”.
I don’t think I have ever cried as much in church as I did during that service. Every song touched a fiber so deep in my soul that I felt that the entire service was completely directed at me. The choir/band was unbelievable and their music was so profound, so soul touching and so beautiful that although it made me cry, I wanted more.
Since that day, I have only missed a handful of services and when I do, I watch it online. I feel like I belong, not just at this church, but in church. I feel my relationship with God growing, I feel my connection with Christ strengthening and I honestly feel the weight of sorrow being carried by someone other than just me. It’s still there, it’s just not as heavy, because someone is helping me manage that load. Each service I hear a message specifically designed for my ears. I hear songs that deliberately touch my heart. I see scripture that undoubtedly targets my burdens. I feel at home. I feel the need to be there, the longing to fulfill that empty space in my heart with God’s word. This is where I find comfort, where peace is allowed to re-enter my life, and where joy has crept in and brought smiles and even laughter to my soul.
If you are struggling with an obstacle, a traumatic event, or toxic stress in your life….I encourage you to find a church. Find a church to pray, to sing and to find a place where that feeling of belongingness begins to creep in. Allow it to come in. Allow your heart to receive His word, allow your mind to be open, and allow your heart to accept. I can promise you that it will not make your burdens heavier, but it will allow you some relief from the pain as you begin to turn your burdens, anxiety, stress and sorrow over to God. We are all sinners, none of us are “deserving” of His grace; yet he seeks us. He will never forsake you and He will never leave you. He has always been with you, you just have to allow your heart, your mind, and your eyes to see and feel it.
God bless you.