I’m about ready to lose it.

Wow. I keep searching for words to put on paper that describe the emptiness, loneliness and heaviness in my heart, but there are no words in the dictionary that capture these feelings acceptably. Some days it’s so much heavier as it mounts up in waves. There is no rhyme or reason, song or voice that triggers the pain, it just surfaces so fast it’s suffocating. Simple things like grocery shopping, cooking dinner, driving to work and getting dressed can bring on a river of emotions that I work tirelessly to keep at bay. Sometimes I can feel it sneaking up and sometimes it knocks me right into the wall with no warning at all. It’s like tentacles that gently wrap around your neck, squeezing slowly but firm enough that you know they’re there. This point, where I plead with myself to hold back the tears, fight the anger, and negotiate with the pain, is when I feel like I’m going to lose it. I’m going to scream, cry, hit or run until I collapse. My only saving grace….is just that….God’s grace. The grace that He provides, even though I don’t deserve it, He reaches out to me and pulls me back up to my feet. He reminds me that this separation from my son is only temporary. It’s only in His words that I find comfort….that I find the strength to stand tall, and even bring a smile to my face as I remember that I was blessed to have Cole be the time of my life for 17 years. So until the next morning, when I feel like I’m about ready to lose it, I’ll remember….I’ll be grateful….and I’ll even smile, that I had that time with him.