God, what are you trying to teach me?

I am a person of faith, but so much more now, than I ever have been. Why? Because my seventeen year old son taught me what life, and faith, was all about. Cole believed in God, and accepted Jesus as his savior. When we found that Cole’s phone survived the crash, we were nervous as to what we would find on a 17 year old boy’s phone. So what did we find? Thousands of pictures. Pictures of beautiful scenery, religious pictures and verses, inspirational quotes, and pictures of Cole enjoying life. Cole TRULY enjoyed life…and he left us pictures to prove it.

After I lost Cole, I asked God two very personal questions. What are You trying to teach me with this? And what am I supposed to do now? These questions, these answers, that meander through my head every day, I have to ask. I have to know. I am a mother. My purpose was to raise my children, teach them to be good people, to love others, and to love life. My job was to make sure my boys were healthy and happy. As a mother, I lived for my boys. So what is God trying to teach me with this? What am I supposed to do now…one of my children is no longer here.

Although I may never get a direct answer, I feel as though God is teaching me that I am not the strongest person, I cannot handle this on my own, and I cannot make it through this…without Him. God DOES give you more than you can handle, because it is then, that you must lean on Him. If I could handle everything, then why would I need God?

I believe that what I am supposed to do now is live my life to make my son proud, and glorify God’s name. Live my life to the fullest, and make a difference along the way. Give HOPE to others who struggle with life’s circumstances. Stand up each day, and live my life for God, for it is with His grace that I will see my son again. I WILL see my son again. This separation is just temporary. He is waiting for me, for his dad, and his brother. He’s waiting for all of those that he loved, and he’s saving a place for us.

Every day I live my life so that the world may see my son, through me. So that the world may hear his story, remember his passion, and feel his spirit. Every day I still struggle to stand, not because my faith waivers, but because I miss my son beyond words. Because the world goes on and I just want to go back. The torturous agony of missing him will never go away. The panic of losing the sound of his voice will never go away. But…my faith, will never go away. For the rest of my life, I will stand by my faith, and let my son live his life through me.

I love you forever Cole,

Love mom