Cole, did you see?

Dear Cole,

Did you see dad and I, as Jesus carried you away from the chaos? Did you see your best friend standing next to me as we prayed for God to be with you? Did you hear what I said to you Cole? Did you see us running through the hospital as I screamed your name? Did you see your family and friends as we waited to hear from the doctor? Did you see us weep at your bedside as I stroked your hair and whispered I love you in your ear? Did you see all of the students and people at your vigil? Did you hear the stories they told as we laughed at the amazing memories that you have left all of us with? Did you see the hundreds of people at your funeral who were standing in the hallways and stairwell because they ran out of room? Did you hear me, grandpa, and Uncle Bot tell your story? Did you see 118 vehicles of those who love you follow us to your grave site? Did you see your truck, standing tall, carrying a flag that said “Cole Buehner- Heaven now has the life of the party”? Did you see all of the vehicles pulling over to the side of the road because they knew, they knew we were laying to rest someone so special? Did you see the State Troopers who escorted us to the cemetery, and saluted you as we entered? Do you see all of the students and friends whose lives you have changed? Do you see how your words of advice, your whispers of HOPE, impacted their lives? Do you know the impact that you had on this world?

I know you saw Cole. I know you heard, and I know you still see. I know you see, because I feel you with me every day. Every day that I weep for you, every time my hearts stops beating and my lungs refuse to fill, I feel you. When I awake and I’m angry, and I cry, I feel you. I feel you put your arms around me and whisper, “mom, it’s ok”. When I want to scream, when I want to break something, I feel you, and I hear you say “you’re going to be all right mom.”

I know you are still with us Cole. We’ve had so many signs, and we believe. So if you can hear me now, if you are reading these words as I type…I love you Colton. I love you with every beat of my heart. There’s not a second in the day that I don’t think of you, that I don’t miss you, and that I don’t love you even more than I did the day before. You are my son forever Cole. I will not say goodbye, because this is not forever. Nothing in the world can separate a  mother’s love, and one day, one day, I will be with you again. I know that you have ALWAYS believed and you have ALWAYS known about heaven. I know that you are waiting for all of us, and I know that we will see you again. Until then, thank you for being with me every single day. Thank you for giving us the time of our life and being the life of the party. Thank you for teaching me what life is all about. I love you, forever and always.

Love mom