Alone in a crowded room

How is it, that you can be in a crowded room, yet be so alone? How is it, that you can be in a house full of people, yet it’s so empty?

I can be in the middle of a crowded store, the mall, a full house, and yet there are times when I feel as if I’m the only one standing there. Their voices are silenced, and it’s just me. Just me….to think; and thinking can be quite debilitating, quite devastating, and quite sad. When I think, I become consumed with emotions. Emotions that include unbearable sadness, intense anger, and complete loneliness.  Yet I am not alone.

The uncontrollable sadness consumes your body and you become numb. When you lose a child, you begin to question your very existence. You begin to question “why couldn’t God save my son?” “Why was it my child?” “Why not me?” It’s ok to question. It’s ok to get angry, it’s ok to scream….it’s ok to cry. And it’s ok…to smile. Smile at the memories, the unforgettable laughter, smile at the child you once held so tight. It’s ok to do ALL of these things. Because you are grieving. You are hurt. You are broken. Your heart will never heal to be the same, you may never be the same person, but, you WILL…be.

I thank God every day for my family; my husband, my oldest son, my sisters, my brother, MY PARENTS, my nieces and nephews, my in laws, my whole family. Because without them, I wouldn’t be here right now. There have been times that I contemplated my very existence. I question why I am still here, and not my child. Then I think…God has a greater plan, I do not understand it, I question it, and I might get mad at it, but I have to have faith. I have to trust God’s plan and know that, as Cole believed, “everything happens for a reason.”

Cole was the laughter that filled our home. Cole was the voice that filled the room. His smile brightened our days, his hugs warmed our hearts. When I sit in silence, when I think…when reality really sets in, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I want to throw something, I want to scream “JUST BRING MY SON HOME! I WANT HIM HOME!” When I realize that this is not going to happen, this situation is not going to change, my son is not coming home, I have no choice but to keep fighting. Fighting my way through this nightmare while keeping my faith that I WILL see my son again. Keeping myself on my two feet for my other son. Moving forward for my amazing son that is fighting through this alongside me, who lost his only brother, and his best friend. My other son, who half of my heart belongs to. Because we WILL hold Cole again, hug him again and hear his laughter again. We will. Until then, we will cry, we will yell, we will smile, and we will remember.We will love him and miss him for the rest of my life, until we are with him again.

Gina Buehner

Cole’s mom forever