Who am I now?

Share the joy
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How is it that I find myself going through the day as if this never happened? I didn’t forget that I lost you, but it’s like I pretend you are still here. I tell your stories, watch your videos, check your Facebook, and talk about you as if I’m waiting for you to come home from school. Then as the night draws near, as I sit quietly and think….reality sets in and it’s so overwhelming…I can’t breathe. I feel the pain welling up and my eyes fill with tears. It’s like I’m on the verge of losing it….losing control, losing my emotions…losing myself.

Who am I now without you? What am I supposed to do without you here Cole? I am a mother….I am YOUR mother. All I ever wanted, all I ever prayed for, was for you and your brother to be happy, to be safe, and to love your life. I am supposed to take care of you Cole. You needed me. I needed you. My heart needs you.

I never knew that a person’s heart could physically hurt. I had no idea what a true broken heart felt like, and I wish I never did. Some days I think “I can’t do this” and then some days I think, “I will do this. I have no choice. I will live my life, not for me anymore, but for you.” You will live on through me Cole. Let others hear your laugh in me, let others see your smile in me, and let others see your heart in me.

Faith is what brings me comfort now Cole. If I cannot have you here, to love you and to care for you, the only other place I would want you to be is right next to the Lord. I wish I had more time with you Cole, the hardest part is knowing I can’t go back. God chose you Cole. He chose you because He knew you did what He set out for you to do. You left a mark on this world that no one will ever forget. I am thankful that you accepted Christ as your Savior Cole, because I know you are safe, I know you are happy, and I know that you are in the most beautiful place ever.

Until God calls me home, I will love you, I will miss you, and I will live my life for you. Until our family is whole again, we will live our lives to make you proud.

I love you Colton.

Love mom

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