Where was God on the day that my son died? That one day, one minute, one second that I lost my son? Where was He when that car pulled in front of him, when he had no where to go, and he tried everything to save his life? Where was He when I knelt next to my son and cried as he lie in the middle of the road? Where was He when I cried out to Him to be with my son? Where was He when we hit every red light on the way to the hospital, when I ran into the hospital screaming Cole’s name? Where was He when Cole’s brother broke into a thousand pieces? Where was He when my family fell to there knees in desperation? Where was He when we came home to an empty house, when I got up the next morning and couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, and couldn’t function? Where is He each day as I fight to get up without my son?
God was in the same place that He was when His son was crucified and died on the cross. God was with my son when that car pulled out in front of him. He was with my son while he lay in the middle of the road. He was with my son in the ambulance as the first responders tried frantically to save him. God was with me when I ran into that hospital. God was with us as we waited to hear from the doctor. God was with me on my ride home, as I slept and when I awoke.
God has been with me since the day I accepted Him into my heart, my life and my soul. God has never left me, and He made that promise to me before I was born. God was with my son, He always had been. When I lost my son, my rambunctious, full of life boy, I realized that God has always been with me. It took discovering the conviction and faith that my son had within him, for me to realize that if I open my heart and let God in, He will never leave my side. Jesus reached for my son’s hand that day, that moment, and he took it. I am proud to say that my son believed in God, accepted Jesus as his savior, and I know that he is now flying high as one of God’s angel warriors. If my son cannot be with me, his mom who loves him more than life, there is only one other place I wish for him to be, and that is with the Lord, who loves him more than we can imagine.
Each day God takes my hand, He guides me, and He comforts me. I find peace in that. I find comfort in that, and I have faith in that. I completely trust God and although as difficult as it may be, I will not understand, but God does have a plan. It’s not up to me to figure it out, but it is up to me to glorify His name, believe in Him, trust in Him and love Him. God will never leave me, and He never left Cole.
Some day, God will call me home to be with my son again. Some day, my family will again, be whole. Until then, I will live my life to make Cole proud, to make God proud, and to make a difference.
I love you forever Cole,