When someone says “How are you doing?”, what am I supposed to say? I know that some are asking sincerely, and genuinely want to know if I am making it, if I’m doing “OK”. But for others, do they understand the depth of that question? Are they really prepared for an honest answer, or are they looking for me to say “I’m doing good.”? What is good? What is ok?
I am grieving. I am hurting. Sometimes it’s unbearable to breathe, to get out of bed, to stand, to hold a conversation, or to put a smile on my face. Sometimes I cry so hard that my shirt is soaked from tears and snot. Sometimes I get so angry that I want to break every dish in my house. Sometimes I have so many questions that I confuse myself. Sometimes I forget everything I’m doing. Sometimes I am just numb. Sometimes, I’m just a shell. Sometimes I’m alone, in a crowded room.
People have said, “time won’t heal your heart, but you’ll learn to live with it.” I don’t want to “live with it”! I don’t want this at all! I just want my son back. I just want him to walk through the door and tell me he’s hungry. I don’t want to “learn” to do anything without him. I don’t want to be 1 year down the road without him, I don’t want to be 5 years down the road without him. I just want HIM to be in our life again.
Then I think, am I being selfish? Am I being selfish, because I know that Cole is with God. I know that Cole is in heaven. Not only have we received signs from our son, I know my how strong my son’s faith was. When Cole was 4 years old, weeks after his papa died, he said to me “I wish it was me that died instead of papa.” When I questioned him on why he said that, he answered, “mom, don’t you know where grandpa is? He’s in the most beautiful place he could be. He wouldn’t want to come back even if God told him he could.” Cole was four when he said this. He knew. He got it. He understood the majesty of heaven. So wouldn’t it be selfish of me to ask God to bring Cole back here, to earth, when I know that he is in the most beautiful place he could be? He’s free from pain, from sadness, from fear. He’s with the one that he always talked about being with. He IS with God. It is because of God that I know that we will be together as a family again. Some day, my heart will be whole again, and I will be able to hold my son again. Until then, yes I will cry, I will get angry, I will be silent….but I’ll also remember. I will smile, I will laugh, and I will love and miss him forever, we all will, for the rest of our lives.
Cole’s mom forever