The reason I know

Share the joy
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When Cole was 4 1/2 years old, he said goodbye to his beloved papa, who became an angel at age 53. Shortly after his funeral, Cole was sitting on the steps in our home. I sat down next to him. “I wish it was me that died instead of papa” he whispered. I felt a heaviness in my chest as I was taken back by his statement, asking myself, why in the world would my four year old say that? “Cole, why do you say that?” I asked him…..his answer…..was profound. “Mom, don’t you know where papa is? He’s in the best place he could be. He wouldn’t want to come back even if God let him.” That’s when I knew. I knew that my four year old son KNEW what dying was about. He KNEW where papa was; he knew that papa was with God, in heaven, the most beautiful place that he could be.

Just three months later we found ourselves face to face with a possible terminal prognosis for Cole. As doctors searched to find the origin, Cole just thought it was normal to get blood drawn weekly, he thought it was normal to have CT scans and MRI’s. He had no idea that they were looking to identify which terminal illness he had. It was during this time, that I hid my tears from him,  while he sat next to me on the couch and said, “Mom, Jesus heals people.” I smiled.  “God doesn’t make bad things happen.” he would say. Shortly after, we were told by the doctors that Cole was an “enigma”. They didn’t have any answers for what had happened, but told us to count our blessings, and consider it a miracle. Needless to say, we did.

He KNEW. Cole knew. He got it. He understood what many adults struggle to comprehend. As a child he understood that this life is just temporary, this life is minuscule compared to what our heavenly Father is preparing us for. This is a temporary home for our human body, where we are to fulfill God’s plan for us here on earth, only to ultimately reside with Him, in the most beautiful place ever; heaven. Little did I know that my four year old would teach me about faith, teach me about what it means to truly trust in God. He taught me THEN, what I needed for NOW. Right now, in this very moment, I trust in those words that my beautiful four year old baby boy whispered to me, and I know, he wouldn’t want to come back, even if God let him. Because it is just that beautiful. He has no more pain, no heartache, no tears…just joy. I know that one day, when my time on earth is fulfilled, that I will join my son once again, in the most beautiful and majestic place, beyond our humanly imagination.

I love you Cole, forever and always. Thank you for teaching me to trust my faith and give my heart to God.

Love mom.

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