What I find the hardest is….life without you. I find that some days, I can get up in the morning, get ready for work, drive to work, listen to your favorite songs, look at your pictures…and smile. Then some days, when I wake up, there is such a heaviness in my chest that it’s hard to breathe. I want to go up to your room and tell you it’s time to wake up for school. I drive to work trying to navigate through the tears. I get to work and cry like a baby….alone, in my office. I look at your pictures and I cry. Sometimes I sob so loud I have to close my door so no one else hears me. Those are the days that I struggle to stand, struggle to breathe, and struggle to live. The feeling of missing you is so heavy, it’s unbearable. I question, I get angry…and I cry for you. I long to be with you Cole. A mother shouldn’t be separated from her child. I should have gone before you Cole.
The only thing that gets me through those really rough days are words that you gave me throughout your life. Words of inspiration and HOPE. Words about heaven and how beautiful you knew it was. Words that remind me that you are in the most beautiful place ever, with no suffering, no sadness, no tears…just joy. Pure joy. Sunshine, warm days, scenery beyond my imagination, and laughter. Lots of laughter. On those days, I remind myself that you are happier than you’ve ever been…you are alive more than you’ve ever been…and you are loving life more than you’ve ever loved it before.
You get me through these days Cole. Your faith inspires me, because I know now that you were right all along. You told me at age four that papa is “in the most beautiful place ever mom, and he wouldn’t want to come back, even if God let him.” You were right Cole. And I know that you wouldn’t want to come back, even if God let you.
We love you Cole. Beyond words. The world doesn’t realize just how much we love and miss you. Many people don’t know what the world lost on that day. But we do Cole. And we know that you are saving a place for us, because someday, we will all be together again. Until then, I will live my life for you. I will live my life to make you proud. I love you Colton Michael. You are my baby “Cokie” forever.