Some days I just want to scream.

Share the joy
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A “grieving mother”, one who is grieving the unbearable loss of her child. I have now joined a club that I never wanted to be a part of, no mother does. It doesn’t matter what age you lose your child, it’s unbearable, unthinkable, unimaginable for anyone to comprehend, unless they are in your shoes.

Some days, I want to walk into the middle of a crowded store and scream. I want to scream “Why are you people going on like it’s a normal day!? Don’t you know what just happened? Don’t you know the loss that this world has just suffered!?” I want to grab someone by the shoulders, shake them, and say “I’ve lost my child! Why hasn’t the world stopped! Why hasn’t it stopped for everyone else! Why do you just go on!?”

Now, I’ve never done this. Even though the urge is there, I think it’s pretty normal to feel like this, at least I hope it is. As a mother, I feel like no one else realizes the depth of my loss. I feel like the world should have stopped when mine did. I feel like people expect me to “move on”, to “get past this”, to “go back to normal”. There is no moving on, I’m not going to get past this, and nothing will ever be normal. A “new normal”? What is that? A dinner table missing a chair? A house missing a voice? A Christmas morning with a heavy silence? What is normal?

I don’t want normal. I don’t want to “get past this”. My biggest fear as Cole’s mom? That this world will forget that he existed. MY SON EXISTED! He was here, and he was loud, and funny, and caring, and loving and extraordinary! My son was here! Speak his name, wear his shirt, tell his stories, share your memories. Keep his spirit alive. Please don’t let go. I’ll never let go.

My plea to people everywhere…do NOT forget those who we have lost. Do not let their stories go quiet, do not let their memories fade. Speak of them, celebrate their life, share their memories. Keep them alive, in your heart. Always. It’s up to us now to carry on their legacy.

Gina Buehner

Cole’s mom forever

6 Replies to “Some days I just want to scream.”

  1. GINA … I think your blogging and the Coles Hope Foundation is a wonderful thing your doing . I am remembering back when I was young and all the friends I lost at such a young age and the parents just didn’t have the resources like this … And you’re right .. Those kids memories just kind of faded after time … They would still pop in the minds of friends from time to time but I imagine the parents probably felt and still feel the way you do … They don’t want anyone to forget!!! You are an amazing family!!! Thank you for raising two AWESOME boys and finding a way to keep Coles spirit ALIVE!!!! You guys are truly an inspiration as is COLE to many!! Xo

  2. Gina,
    I just want you to know Cole is thought of everyday in our house, he was so funny and the sweetest kid. He definitely is missed and will always be missed by us. I am glad I had the chance to have Cole in our lives and a friend to Brandon for the time we did get to have. <3

    1. God love you Jennifer. Thank you so much! I know how much you cared about Cole, and I know how much he cared about you guys. He loved your family!

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