I’m sorry.

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I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry. When you lose someone you love, these words come to you from all different directions. Those who knew your loved one, and those who didn’t, offer these words as their condolences. They don’t know what to say, sometimes they don’t know what to do. And when it’s a child that you have lost, what can they say? Honestly, there are no words. I’m sorry, and a hug….really just a hug, is all that we need sometimes. I am sorry too. I’m sorry that I lost my son. I’m sorry that my heart will never be whole again. I’m sorry that it was him and not me. I’m sorry that he had to lie there without me for minutes that probably seemed like an eternity. I’m sorry that those who should have rendered first aid to my son, didn’t. I’m sorry that man wasn’t looking. I’m sorry that they wouldn’t let me ride in the ambulance with my son. I’m sorry that when  I screamed Cole’s name in the hospital, he didn’t answer. I’m sorry that the doctor came in…..and told my family, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry that I have to live the rest of my life without my son. I’m sorry that my family’s hearts are torn in two. I’m sorry that my oldest son lost his best friend. I’m sorry that I will never see Cole graduate high school, get married, or have children of his own. I’m sorry that not only did we lose our son, but we lost all of the hopes and dreams that we had for him. I’m sorry that I’m still here. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.

But are you? Are you, the driver who wasn’t looking and pulled in front of my son, are you sorry? Do you know how many countless nights I lie awake in bed, praying that my son will visit me in a dream? Because that’s the only place that I can see him now? Do you know that I think of my son every second, of every minute of every hour of the day? Do you know that my soul suffers excruciating pain because a piece of my heart died that day also? Do you know this?

Here’s the problem. I don’t know if you know. I don’t know if you think of my son, if you lie awake at night….I don’t even know if you saw my son that day as he lie on the street. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know if you are remorseful, if you carry guilt, or if you...are sorry. It’s two words, that I long to hear from you. Somehow, someway, I have to know. I have to know how you felt, how you’re feeling….I have to know, if you remember my son.

 

I love you Cole. Forever and always, until we are together again,

Love mom

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