When you lose a child, you are overcome with emotions that you never knew existed. My body became swarmed with a pain that was unbearable, thoughts that were unimaginable and a sense of loss that consumed my entire being. Losing a child is beyond imagination, it’s beyond human comprehension… until you are facing it for yourself.
When you lose a child, you lose so much more than just your child, as if that is even comprehendible. You lose the hopes and dreams that you took for granted you would share with your child and live to see your child do. I took for granted that my son would attend his high school prom; that he would walk down the aisle at graduation in his cap and gown; that he would find his true love, get married and have children of his own. These are all milestones that I will never watch my son do. As a grieving mother, I grieve the tremendous loss of my son, and I grieve the profound sense of losing the dream of watching him become his own.
My son’s life DID matter. He WAS here, and he left an extraordinary mark. My fear? That the world around me will forget my son existed. People will continue on with their busy lives, while I stand everyday, broken. I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. It’s been six months, and that just means it’s been six months since I’ve heard his voice, felt his hugs, or saw his sweet smile. Each day is a day further from the time I last saw him. Each day the pain gets heavier and I fear that my own memories will start to fade. I don’t want to lose the sound of his laugh, I don’t want to lose the image of his sweet smile, I don’t want to lose…him.
My view on time? Each day I live, is a day closer to being with my son again. Each day I live, is another day down. Each day I live, is a day to celebrate the life of my oldest amazing son. I must embrace each day and recognize all of my blessings that God has given me. Cole is not here on earth, but he remains with me every single day. I carry his thumbprint around my neck, his smile in my mind, and his love in my heart. I now look at each day as a new day to cherish the time I have with my oldest son while my journey brings me closer to seeing Cole again. Each day I remind myself that this separation from my son is only temporary. I truly believe that we were made for so much more, so much beyond earth, and beyond our imagination. I may never understand why my son lost his life at such a young age, but I do know that God is good, and He will carry me through this. God has always been by my side, and He has promised to never leave me. I hold on to that HOPE, I hold on to my faith, and I will forever hold on to my memories.
I love you Cole.