Growing up, I had no fear. No fear of taking risks, jumping off, jumping in, or running around. I took dares and took chances.
Once my boys were born, it was amazing to see their personalities develop. Blake is just like his dad…calm, cool and collective. A level headed thinker with a “wait and think about it” approach. Blake wears his heart on his sleeve and gives his whole heart when he loves. He is gentle, he is kind and he is genuine. Cole was just like his momma. Taking on any dare, taking risks worth taking, and taking chances each day. He feared nothing (way less than what I feared) and loved the world with all of his heart. He wasn’t afraid to share his feelings, his emotions or his morals. He wasn’t afraid to let others know that he believed in God and trusted in His word. He wasn’t afraid to make new friends, befriend a new student, or stick up for the small guy. He wasn’t afraid to defend a girl who was being mistreated. He wasn’t afraid…to have fun and enjoy life.
Once I became a mother….I feared the thought of leaving them. I feared death…I feared dying. My purpose was to raise my boys to be happy, fun loving and caring young men. To teach them to love life, and love those they care about with all their heart. To take chances and enjoy their blessings. To find their gift and share it with others. I was scared that something might happen to me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t dwell on death, but I certainly wanted to live a full life to watch my boys become young men, young adults and parents themselves.
When I lost my son….when my son became a “forever 17” angel, my views on death changed. I know now that there is nothing to fear about dying. Nothing to fear about death. Because those who believe in Jesus and accept Him as their Savior will live, even though they die. Those who believe in Him shall never die. When we leave this earth, we are going home. Home to the place that we were created for. Earth is just a holding cell, filled with trials and tribulations. Death isn’t death….it’s a celebration. A celebration that as Christians, we get to go home and be with the Lord.
Now, as I struggle to live in two different worlds, I welcome the day that God calls me home. I’m not wishing my life away, because Blake is my reason for living here on earth. But I am not afraid. I am not afraid because I know what the end holds…for my whole family. As a mother, I am supposed to care for, protect, and guide my children. I struggle with the fact that I am not by Cole’s side to care for and protect him. But when this consumes me, I focus….on God, and the fact that Cole is in the best care he could be in. He is in God’s care. Someday, I too will be in God’s care, with my son. And someday, my family will be whole. I welcome that. I am not afraid…I am thankful.
Cole’s mom forever