So Many Thoughts…

So many thoughts, race through my mind. So many times, I want to call out your name, just to see if I can hear you answer. I walk by your room, hoping to see you asleep on your bed. I come home from work, hoping to see you outside playing with Harley. I just want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I sit at the cemetery and play your videos while I’m there so I can hear you laugh one more time. I look to the sky and try to imagine what you’re doing up there. I read posts from parents who are planning their child’s graduation party, and I think, will you have a graduation party in heaven? What will it be like? Will the angels be singing to you? Will you be running, or flying around, with a huge smile on your face? Or does it even matter? Does graduating from high school even matter now that you’re in the most beautiful place ever? Where there is no sorrow, no tears, and no regrets? I can’t imagine that a high school graduation even resembles any kind of celebration that heaven holds for you.

I think about what your brother’s wedding will be like, without you. Without you giving the BEST, best man’s speech ever. Without seeing you in a tux, on the dance floor, sweat dripping from your nose as you bust out moves that make the entire crowd cry from laughter. I think about so much…every single day. I think about you. There’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t think, “Cole would crack up at that.”, “Cole would LOVE that”, “Cole would have said….”

When you left earth, so many things went with you. So much of me went with you. All we have are memories now Cole. That’s what we have to hold onto, to get us through, to help me rise one more day. But I cherish those memories more than anyone knows. I cherish the sound of your laughter, the quirk in your smile, and the sound of your voice. I hold onto those memories just like I hold onto to you, in my heart, forever and always. You will live on in all that I do, all that your family does, and through all those lives of the people that you touched. I love you Cole, forever and always. I cannot wait for the day when I can hug you and be with you again.

I love you,
Love mom.