Every night. Every single night, I write to my son. I have found that writing to Cole in my journals helps keep our conversations in my heart and his voice in my head. I write about anything and everything that comes to my mind….what I’m thinking, what I miss, what he would be doing, how my day went, something that happened that day that he would have laughed at, whatever I’m thinking…I write to my son.
If you are struggling with something, and especially if you are suffering the loss of someone you love, I encourage you to journal. Write to them, talk to them, because it helps. It has helped me tremendously. When I write to my son, inside my head, I hear his answers. I vividly hear him answering my questions. No, I’m not insane, I’m not “hearing voices”, but I can hear our conversation. That’s my time, to talk with my son. So many times I want to pick up the phone, yell up the steps, or holler out the front door at him. But I can’t. What I can do, is write to him. Somehow, some way, I know he hears me, he hears what I write…and he answers.
I took for granted the fact that I could text my son, call him on the phone, or holler up to his room when I needed him. I always thought I would join others on Facebook and post pictures of “Cole at prom”, “Cole at graduation”, “Cole in his cap and gown”…and eventually, “Cole and his beautiful wife”. Before I even realized it, all of those life events were gone. All I have now are the beautiful pictures that captured all those wonderful moments when we were having fun and didn’t realize we were making memories. I do have my letters to Cole. I do have my visitation dreams when Cole comes to see me. I thank God that I have those, because that is how I hold on to my son. I hold on to his memory, his love, his laughter, his smile, his hugs, his jokes…his everything.
If you are grieving, I urge you to write. Write to them…it may provide a connection for you too.
I love you Cole, forever and always,